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Opinion piece: Is it cheating if a man sees escorts?

“I would never dates or marry a man who sees escorts”. How many women would agree with that statement? It doesn’t take a degree in psychology and sociology to estimate that very few Western women will not identify with that viewpoint, whether or not they are strongly religious. Feminist women are just as inclined to hold this view as the deeply faithful, with most suggesting that a man who sees escorts is abusive to women on many levels. There is obviously a strong religious and social bias against the idea of a man, especially one in a marriage or a committed relationship seeing other women whether or not they are escorts, and interestingly enough, even women who consider themselves to be very modern and liberated from constricting social mores suddenly become extremely restrictive when it comes to the idea of their significant other spending time with other women. Why? While women have very strong and vocal feelings on this subject, when you ask them why they hold these views, they struggle to formulate a reason which goes beyond familiar one dimensional arguments such as “it’s cheating”, or “it’s disrespectful”.

What about men’s rights?

Women’s rights have come a long way in the last forty years. With the advent of birth control, women find themselves in a position which would have been unimaginable previously. Because they can now control falling pregnant, their dependence on having a reliable male presence in their lives has lessened considerably. Feminists have used this opportunity to vehemently argue for the rights of women to direct their own lives, and to control their own sexuality, and there are very few women who would not at least pay lip service to the notion that a woman is completely in charge of her body and that men have no say when it comes to this. On the face of it, there is nothing wrong with this attitude, but the more astute among you may recognise that while women’s rights to their sexuality is considered absolute, mainstream men’s sexuality is increasingly belittled and put in second place behind women’s needs.

Are men and women really the same?

No one would disagree with the notion that men and women are equal, but equality is not the same thing as being alike. Whether you like it or not, men and women are different biologically, and this does have an impact on their behaviour. There are many studies that would beg to differ with this viewpoint, but if you are prepared to be open-minded, look at it practically. In a world where women’s sexuality and their rights to it is overwhelmingly encouraged, you would expect that if men and women were indeed the same, the marketplace would reflect this.

With this in mind, do you really need to do a Google search to find out that while there are a plethora of sites advertising these services of female and gay escorts, you will struggle to find heterosexual male escorts? There is the reason for this: men and women are not clones of each other when it comes to sexual desire. The reason there are comparatively so few heterosexual male escorts is because there isn’t a big market for them, and certainly not because there aren’t men unwilling to take on the role, or because women don’t have the financial means.

“Wives are more interested in controlling men’s fantasies than obliging them”

If a woman is entitled to enjoy her sexuality on her terms, why is it unacceptable that men’s desires are allowed free expression? It’s interesting to see that in a normal healthy relationship between a man and a woman, men are often fascinated with women’s fantasies and are driven with finding ways to satisfy the women in their lives, but most women have little time for men’s fantasies. Wives are more interested in controlling men’s fantasies than obliging them. In fact, the only fantasy most want to hear about is the one in which they are only sexually attractive woman in the world, and if the man in their life thinks differently, then he has a problem. Whether or not this attitude is in line with what men want or feel, is irrelevant because the only opinion that matters is the one that comes attached to the XX chromosome to boobs and a vagina, and if you disagree, you will have the wrath of the modern world against you.

Should men have to scale back their desires?

Feminists today never tire of pointing out that traditional marriage turns women into chattel, and give them control of their bodies. It is interesting that this progressive approach jack-knifes on itself when you turn it in the other direction. A man is required to support the woman in his life financially, emotionally, physically while a woman is required to……. Not to do too much to reciprocate, actually, because apparently if she does she is allowing him to “trample on her rights”. The fact that men instinctively tend to be sexually adventurous is held against them, and they are required to rein in their sexual desire to be in line with that of the woman in their life. Society has decided that a marriage or committed relationship means that neither party should stray physically, an arrangement which suits most women very well, but is not such a comfortable fit for many men who have to deny a part of themselves in order to comply with rules that are biologically and historically unsuited to their gender.

“men and women are in fact different, even though that means they are no less equal”

It goes back to the fact that men and women are in fact different, even though that means they are no less equal. Most women require a measure of emotional investment in a sexual relationship. Most men don’t. Women rarely cheat on their significant other for purely sexual reasons. Men can enjoy the occasional liaison without any emotional involvement whatsoever. What most women would view as a deliberate act of betrayal, is very often simply the need to gratify an itch which is no reflection on the woman in a man’s life, or his commitment to the relationship.

Is a married man seeing an escort cheating, or protecting his relationship?

A man who chooses to see escorts in order to fulfill unmet needs and fantasies is actually making a very distinct point about his fidelity and commitment to his relationship. By spending time with professional escorts, he is consciously choosing to avoid risking his family life by getting involved with a woman whose needs may escalate to the point where she threatens the stability of his relationship. Men go outside the confines of a relationship for various reasons besides being inherently dissatisfied with it, unhappy with their relationship. Very often, he has fantasies which his other half is unwilling to fulfil, or he simply craves variety. When a woman’s needs go unmet, society as a whole takes umbrage. When a man’s needs go unmet, he needs to suck it up. It somehow doesn’t seem entirely fair. If the alleged ‘patriarchy’ is a dictatorship, the matriarchy can at best be defined as social fascism.

There are men who would never cheat, and there are women who will cheat at any opportunity, humankind is complicated, but leaving aside the exceptions and the deeply faithful, what do you think the most adult option is for a woman faced with the prospect of her other half (who is otherwise a great match) ‘cheating’ by visiting an escort?

  1. He made a commitment and if he doesn’t stick to it he can either leave, or I won’t let him leave, but will make his life hell for ever and ever after.
  2. OMG what is wrong with me? Aren’t I enough for him? If he cheats, he will destroy me, because I am in the woman his life, he should only be attracted to me, and his desires and fantasies should be in line with mine. I would never allow a man to make me do things which are unnatural and perverted, and if this is the type of thing that really turns him on, and I don’t know him at all, and our entire relationship is a lie.
  3. Even though we are in an exclusive relationship, we are both individuals. I want of us both to be able to explore what interests us as much as possible without destroying what we have. I am willing to try to meet him halfway, as I expect him to do for me. If he wants to experience some variety, or it is really important to him to explore desires which I may not share, I would rather he sees an escort, than risk ruining our relationship. Who knows, I may even join in, and enjoy it? I’m more concerned that he is faithful to the future of our relationship, and I would not hold it against him if he occasionally explored his desires outside of it. I prefer the idea of an open and honest relationship to a situation where we grow and learn more each other to one where we are both just playing a role.

Is a man who chooses to see escorts in order to fulfill unmet needs and fantasies is actually making a very distinct point about his fidelity and commitment to his relationship. By spending time with professional escorts, he is consciously choosing to avoid risking his family life by getting involved with a woman whose needs may escalate to the point where she threatens the stability of his relationship. Men go outside the confines of a relationship for various reasons besides being inherently dissatisfied with it, unhappy with their relationship. Very often, he has fantasies which his other half is unwilling to fulfill, or he simply craves variety.

Strictly speaking, you can define this as ‘cheating’, but if you are willing to look at it from a broader perspective, you may find that a man sees escorts in order to satisfy desires outside of the marriage without putting it at risk. It is certainly a far better option than a man who is miserable because his needs aren’t being met, or an affair which may completely destroy a marriage. What do YOU think?

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